VGRC

I found these at the local Big Lots a few months back. You know, those surplus stores that have been popping up like cockroaches around New England that stocks all the leftover crap that classier stores like K-Mart won't even touch. Yes, this is coming from the same place that I found the infamous Jeff Foxworthy Beef Jerky at last year, so already my expectations were pretty high for this one.

Not even getting to the drink itself, this easily tops the aforementioned processed beef snacks as one of the most embarrassing celebrity tie-ins I have seen to date. At least in Foxworthy's case, he's an embarrassing enough redneck as it is, so the man does not exactly have much of a reputation to really have tarnished. But Seagal... Christ, I used to be able to respect the man before this nonsense.

He (or one of his PR reps, I'm not exactly sure how much involvement he had with this) describes it as "A natural energy drink packed with vitamins and exotic botanicals." Exotic ingredients that the back of the can confirms as carbonated water, citric acid, niacin and "natural flavors." A glance past that shows the shocking text GET CHARGED, a claim that it contains the rare "Tibetan Goji Berry," which can't be that rare considering it grows all over the fucking planet, cordyceps, a parasitic fungus that grows on the backs of bugs (and don't worry, they're Asian cordyceps, which I guess makes them good) and "policosanols," which last I checked had a plural form that was spelt the same was as the singular, but I could be off on that one. Oh, and while it pointed to make sure I drank these before the expiration date on the bottom of the can, no date was in fact printed at all. The likely case being Big Lots scrubbing the print off the can so the cases of Lightning Bolt could sit on store shelves long enough for somebody to buy them within seventeen years.

Drinking this filth was another battle in its own. It comes in two flavors: Cherry Charge and Asian Sensation. (Apparently a "root beer" variety exists, but I've been lucky enough to never see it on shelves.) Cherry Charge admittedly wasn't too intolerable: Just your typical super-sugary energy drink with a psuedo-cherry flavor. Asian Sensation, however, is the real offender of this batch. Going down, it tastes like a foul cider mixed with kerosene and sugar, and leaves behind the quite familiar aftertaste of bile splashing in the back of my throat. Most disgusting "energy drinks" I can force myself to finish, but not Asian Sensation. No, this is easily one of the worst things I have put into my mouth.

The icing on top of this package of filth is by far the picture of Seagal on the can, and the look on his face. You can tell he's trying to pull off the typical "Don't cross me or I'll kick your ass" look he's famous for, but underneath that I can see a hint of embarrassment. A "Why the fuck am I doing this" sort of look.

And tonight, I'm afraid. I'm afraid because I know that somewhere out there, a root beer variety of this drink exists.